New beginnings…

It’s been a really long time. I really had lots to say, but somewhere between the thinking and the posting, thoughts seem to get lost. So much has been happening in my life, and so fast. I have, on some days, stopped, looked at my life, and then decided to look no more. I have been overwhelmed by all the changes.

When I had started this blog, I had lost a lot. But in these past two years, there have been ups and downs, and life has been anything but predictable. I am not complaining. It’s been one exciting ride. And I am about to begin a new journey. Last month, I unveiled the first, small collection of hand-made accessories, branded Bandagi – Bling Worship. I intend to concentrate on hair accessories for the first few collections, and then move on to other stuff. It’s been such a unique experience! While working on the collection, I did not sleep for days, and yet had more energy than I have had in a long time. In fact, now when I am taking a break from crafting and working on the mood board for the next collection, I miss that passion, that drive that kept me going for days. I know it will come back, that indescribable high. For now, I am really savoring this rest break. Soon enough, a new, crazy phase in my life will begin.

I am getting married next month. Yup. Thank you.

If you have been reading this blog regularly, you might remember, that after the break-down of my first marriage, I had promised myself that I will settle for nothing less than a fairy tale. I no longer want a fairy tale. I am in love the way humans, and not other-worldly people love. I love with caution one day, and with abandon another day. I revel in all the emotions this brings, and I know it will change, evolve, and hopefully, grow, and grow up. Now, when I look into the mirror, I no longer see the woman I was, or the woman I could have been. I see the woman I am and can become. And that is such an incredible feeling.

So in this new year, 2012, I am ready to take on life, and find new destinations with a new partner in my journey. Together, we hope to explore new realms of thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and aspirations. Stay with me. I am not done yet.

One Closure Please. And Super-size it!

When Richard and Maurice McDonald were in the process of making Fast Food an assembly line process, I wonder if they knew what big fortunes awaited them. But I do know that they would have multiplied those fortunes many times over if they had devised a way to make an assembly line for that most elusive of human processes- Closure.

So important, and so difficult to achieve.

One of the primary reasons we carry so much emotional baggage around is our inability to give closure to so many events, tragedies, bad relationships and generally things and people in the past that are no longer a part of our lives, but hold us back through regrets and anger.

So, if the McDonalds brothers had somehow devised a way to make closure as easy as a Burger and French fries, the lines outside their franchisees would have been miles long. So many of us live in the shadows of our past, looking for an escape from the pain that is thrust into our faces every now and then, mostly when least expecting it. Apologies never received, gratitude never shown, anger never vented. We play out the “un-closured” events again and again in our heads, trying to work out a scenario when things would have been different.

I never got closure on the deaths of my two parents. I guess you never can. I will live in constant knowledge that when my father was on his deathbed, hours away from leaving us forever, I was so angry with the world, so unprepared to let him go, that I never held his hand and kissed him. I now know how much I needed to. I needed to let him know how much he was loved. Instead, what he perhaps saw in my eyes was anger. And frustration. And fear. But I am not the person he saw in his last moments. I needed him to know that his younger child is now a strong woman capable of finding her own way, able to love with abandon, free to pursue the destiny she chooses as her own. And so it is, that I live in regret, and keep revisiting that last day. I know that I will eventually be able to put this behind me, and be able to forgive myself. But it is such a long-drawn process. There is so much living to be done to finally arrive at that point where I can look back and feel that the past has come to pass.

And that’s just one closure that never happened. So yes, wish someone would put a fast-track on our emotional processes and package the deal in paper bags. I know I would stand in a queue miles long to get a super-sized box of some fast track closure.

Day follows night follows day…

Stories. Life stories. With their plots and twists and happy endings and new beginnings and tragedies. Playing out like a movie, with music, dance, smiling faces, tears, fears and dreams. Protagonists become sidekicks, and new characters start taking centre stage. Trippy, eh?

Not quite. After all, it’s a saga. It must play out with ample drama and elements of surprise. So, last year, this time, I had thrown myself into planning for someone’s wedding. Someone who doesn’t matter now. This time last year, I was fighting tragedy. I was another person. Life is so different now. I have done so many new things. I have cried, laughed, danced, found new friend, visited new places, learned new skills, written poems, and hosted dream dinners. And now, I can’t wait for the New Year. I can’t wait for the blessings it will bring.

And so, my story plays itself out, day after day. In the mornings, I lie in bed, sometimes smiling for no reason. Oh, all is not beautiful and sweet. It shouldn’t be. Or where will the fun be. But I feel equipped to handle life. I have new shoes I am all set to slip into and dance. Old friends will go, new friends will find you. Pain will be a constant companion, but joy will be there too. One doesn’t exist without the other. So embrace both and be grateful.

This is the last month of this year. Bid farewell to all that must go. Start making space for the new. You cannot keep accumulating the old. The cycle must not be stopped. Day follows night follows day. But it’s never the same day or night. Take some out and more will come in. And life will feel fresh, new and worth fighting for.

Old clothes and worn out shoes…

I like old clothes. I like the wear and tear. The frayed seams. The faded colors. They seem so appropriate. Like a life well lived. Like a purpose achieved. I like their soft, tired feel. It is reassuring. Like old friendships.

I like old shoes. I like the cracks in the leather. I like the worn out soles. They remind me of journeys made, of experiences acquired.

Van Gogh Shoes

Now that the Big Purge has weeded out a lot of unnecessary items from my wardrobe, I am using a lot of my old clothes and shoes. And I love them! My wardrobe and I are finding new grounds for friendship and familiarity. I no longer gasp in horror after discovering a new top, with the price tag still on, never worn, living a life of rejection and loneliness in some corner of my closet. I have accepted the fact that heels and my bad knees will never go together. I know which accessories are going to have a lasting relationship with me. And it’s all so convenient.

My appetite has made a comeback. I am eating. But this time, I am high and happy on fruits, vegetables and protein rich snacks. I hope to resume my walks soon. A new year is just a month  away, and I want everything to feel “new”. I want to do one of those completely irrational, impulsive last minute dash to fit into this absolutely fabulous gown I have had for five years and never ever worn. I want to host a party on the new year’s eve. I want to make resolutions and then try and stick to them for a whole month. I have never done these simple, silly things. This is the time to let go and enjoy the festive season. It no longer seems a coincident that December begins with a happy occasion for my family: Today is my brother’s wedding anniversary.

I hope to make this a month of hope and happiness. Of old clothes and shoes and books and movies. Of meals shared on a tiny terrace. Of weekends spent visiting loved ones or alone, with myself. See me smile.

You’ve been fired!

Being subjected to infidelity is like being fired from the most important job of your life: Marriage. You work long hours, give up all options, give more than you get in return, live with being undervalued, and work through sickness, fever, hurt, and tears. And then, one fine day, a pink slip is slapped into your face. Someone else has taken over your place. Your services are no longer required. So you pack your stuff into a suitcase and leave. And then rebuild your life, one broken brick at a time. You go online and read up Case Studies. You see your own feelings reflected in hundreds of them. That makes you feel worse. Now you are just a number. One of the many. So you stop reading and start dealing with it. There are no “How-Tos” here. Unlike a real job, there are no placement consultants. There are no other “jobs” immediately available. The longer you have been “employed”, the harder it becomes. But a girl’s got to do, what a girl’s got to do. I was fired last December. Just a month after losing my mother. Within a night, I was homeless. Nothing hurts more than the shards of a broken heart. You run through every day, every event in your head. The things you said, or did not say. The things you did, or did not do. Days when you reported for duty with fever and pain. Days when you painted sunshine on gray clouds. Days when you were not with your ailing, dying mother, because you had “other responsibilities”. They all come and haunt you. And you have to remove these memories, like demons to exorcize, one by one. It takes time. But it happens. It’s March 2010. I have a new home. This Friday is the house-warming party. I have a great job. A set of wonderful friends. New hopes, new dreams. And an eternity of emptiness. You fill emptiness with new things to do; new ways to define yourself, after a major chunk of your identity has been robbed overnight. It’s a long process, and I had better start as soon as possible. So this month, I have a project. It is to run my house’s expenses in 10K. It’s not a difficult target, but the budget gets lowered by a 1000 Rupees every month. That’s when things start getting rough. It’s just a silly but fun challenge I have given myself. A ten month project to see what I really need and what I just want. Day 2 and I am within my budget. But with 29 more days to go, there is no telling, is there?