11 Feb 2011, 1:09am
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by Pratishtha Durga

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The things I miss…

I think I once mentioned that grief catches you in the most unexpected places. Like when you are at a Barista, having a Coca Bonga or whatever that thing was called, and you are with a friend and you realize that you are still alone. When there are families around, laughing, celebrating each other’s presence. When the “O Word” hits you in your face. You’ve lost both your parents within 14 months. You have been Orphaned. It’s official. I am broken.

These past few days have been a bit difficult. I know good days will come again. After all, I am less than a month away from the Garage Sale. But every day weighs down on me.  I had said that being alone is not the same as being lonely. I cherished being alone. But these days, it’s the loneliness that has been hurting. I was dealing with my mother’s memories, filing them away. And now I have Dad does moments, all want attention in my head. It’s tough. There is no tutorial that can equip you to deal with grief. It’s like shards piercing your heart and there isn’t much you can do, but wait for it to get better. I had hoped against hope that my father will get better. He is dead now.

I came back home today and tried “happy visualization”, an exercise that has always made me happy. Today, it failed. I read, I wrote, I even drew a little. But it all failed. So, it’s past 1 in the night, and I am awake. This writing too is a form of purging for me. It helps me vent my pain. I miss my mother. I miss my dad. I miss a home and a happy, beautiful dog I used to talk to. I miss my illusion of being a happily married woman. I miss naivety. I miss dependence. I miss recklessness. I miss my old self.

  • suromita

    I have been stuck to your blog since last 1 and half hours. This is my first visit and i am glued... to you, your life, your sunshine.. The ability to share, touch the heart and remind one's like me that there was this world too... this is awesome. There is this quiet turn on your way which reaches to the door of your dreamworld. Don't know when i got busy with the demands of the world and missed the turn and reached a point where i completely forgot that it existed.
    What can i say... I thank you. I didn't comment on any of your other posts coz i didn't find words to express what they did to me. But on this one, i just want to say ... whenever you feel lonely just know we are there somewhere around you, somewhere in the same space and may be thinking about you. Thinking about how you have touched my life and many others...
    "Charaibeti"

  • pratishthadurga

    Thanks Suromita. It's been one amazing, though often painful journey for me.
    And I am honored to be able to share it with you and others. All I can tell
    you is that you never quite miss the turn. Not forever, in any case. I am
    the Queen of lost opportunities. But now I just want to grab each and every
    one of them and make a run for it.
    Yes, it gets lonely sometimes. But we all are alone, aren't we? The point
    is, that through it all, we manage to find our bitter-sweet sunshine. And
    that is what I live for. I am glad you liked the writing. I hope you will be
    back.

  • suromita

    Hope your garage sale went beautifully, as you wanted it to be. I really wanted to be part of it but got hurt in the already injured knee. So couldn't move at all. More than the sale, i was looking forward to meet you. To see you in those moments of joy, sadness, nostalgia and fun.
    And yes i am back and will keep coming back to peep into your life and sunshine.
    Watched "P.S I love you" long time back. Didn't like the film but remember one dialogue from the film stayed with me.
    "Thing to remember is if we are all alone, then we are all together in that too"...

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